Title: Couple's Combo
Author: Whimsicle-1
Feedback: Always welcome at Whimsicle.dreams@gmail.com
Disclaimer: It all belongs to Chris Carter, Fox, Ten-Thirteen, and who knows who else, but the characters most definitely do not belong to me. However, the actual arrangement of words does, so please, no posting without permission.
Author's Note: Hmmm, this story has no excuse. None at all. But I'll try anyway. Y'see Dominoes used to offer a deal they called a Couple's Combo which my former roommate and I more or less lived on when I was in grad school, and…oh hell, I don't know why I came up with it. It just sorta happened. It was in a zine I put out years and years ago, and was also originally posted on the usenet where it earned me my absolute favorite hate mail ever. Let's just say it had a dotgov addy. You'll see why. Bwahaha!
Summary: Scully makes a horrifying discovery at her mother's place. Bad comedy ensues.

Couple's Combo
By Whimsicle-1

Dana Scully stepped onto the first step up to the porch of her parent's house as she patted her pockets, hunting for the ring that carried the keys to both the front and back doors. She was still hunting when thunder rumbled somewhere in the distance. Scully looked up at the darkening sky.

And got hit squarely in the eye with a large raindrop.

At almost the same instant, she remembered where the keys were.

Sitting on her dresser at home.

With a soft sigh, she bounded up the remaining steps, purposely plastering a happy expression on her face. Her mom had been through a rough year after all. She undoubtedly needed company, cheering up, the support of her loving family. That was why Dana had decided to pay a surprise visit during her day off. She'd take her mom out to lunch, spend some quality time with her, and get her out of the house.

She knocked lightly, then more firmly when there was no answer.

It was starting to look like no one was home. So much for surprise visits. Scully was just turning away when she heard the sound of the bolt being thrown.

She turned back just as the door swung open. And froze...jaw going slack in total utter shock.

Dana Scully had faced aliens, government hit men, swamp monsters, the occasional poltergeist, several serial killers, and at least one guy who considered bile to be a viable construction material. None of it had prepared her for what she now faced. Not even close.

"Assistant Director Skinner?" she croaked.

"Agent...Scully..." Skinner groaned.

Dana frowned at her boss as assorted random details began sinking in. He was wearing a robe...not her father's...and he needed a shave. He was also staring at her with something akin to horror.

"I'm ...uh...sure you're wondering about this, Agent Scully," Skinner stammered.

Dana tried to find the words to answer, even started to speak several times, but somehow...somehow, it just didn't happen. Finally, she just nodded her head, though she wasn't sure she really wanted to know.

"I ... uh ... that is .... your mother and I ... became ... friends ... while you were missing ... and I ... just ... Coffee. I stopped by for coffee." He smiled weakly as he finished the explanation.

Scully's eyes dropped to the open vee of the robe, then rose to his face again. She pointed a finger at his broad chest and squeaked the single word, "Robe?"

Skinner's eyes dropped as he remembered his attire (or lack thereof). When he looked up again, Dana was staring at him with the same round-eyed expression she usually reserved for killer bugs, marauding aliens and, and man-eating werewolves. "I ... uh ... spilled coffee on my suit," Skinner responded, his manner stilted as he made up the excuse on the fly. "And your mother's cleaning it ... yes," he said in a more confident tone. "I spilled coffee on my suit and your mother is cleaning the coffee off. She loaned me one of your father's old robes while she cleans my suit."

"But that robe isn't my Dad's," Scully pointed out before she could think better of it.

Walter Skinner started to open his mouth to say something, then closed it again. A beat, then he tried again. And failed again.

He was still trying when Margaret Scully's voice floated out of the back bedroom. "Pappa Bear, Goldilocks say this bed is just right."

Skinner hid his face in his hand and made a funny whimpering sound.

Scully just stood there, neurons misfiring all over her brain. "I ... uh ... I ... uh ... should ... uh ... go ..." Dana stuttered as she backed away from the door like it was made of plutonium.

Skinner spread his fingers and peered between them wordlessly as she stumbled away.

"Here it is, one Couple's Combo."

Scully spun, nearly tripping over the pimply-faced teen in red and blue coming up the walk. "Don't rub it in," she snarled and neatly sidestepped him before running for her car.

"Sheez, wonder who put a bug up her---"

Skinner cleared his throat and folded his arms across his chest.

The Dominoes kid spun, staring up at the very broad shouldered figure glaring down at him. "Your pizza...sir..." the boy croaked, timidly holding out the box.

Skinner shoved a twenty into the delivery boy's hand, grabbed the pizza, then quickly balanced the cokes and breadsticks on top of it. He slammed the door on the startled teen even as he heard the squeal of Dana's tires. He just stood there for a long moment, staring at the door. This was not good, not good at all.

"Pappa Bear," Margaret Scully's voice echoed in his ears a moment later as warm hands wrapped around his chest. She reached around him, neatly plucking a breadstick from the bag on top of the box. "Smells delicious," she whispered and her hand disappeared.

A moment later, he heard the sound of chewing.

"Maggie? Skinner groaned, dreading what he had to tell her.

"Y'know," she mumbled through the breadstick, "these things are addictive."

"We really need to talk."

*****

Dana Scully was shaking as she tried to drive with one hand and dial her cellular with the other. The first three calls were way off, although she knew she was getting closer when she started screaming on the third one and the guy calmly informed her that she wanted Agent Fox Mulder, 555-2202, not 555-2201. Finally Mulder's voice came over the phone on the fourth try. He sounded slightly muzzy, like she'd woken him from a sound sleep.

"Wha'?" Mulder groaned.

"Mulder!" Scully screeched into the phone.

"Scully, what's wrong?" Mulder demanded, instantly awake.

"Mulder!" Scully bellowed again.

"Oh, God, Scully, what is it? Where are you? I'm on my way!"

"He was there…and then…and then…oh god, it was awful…I barely escape---"

"Barely escaped?" Mulder demanded. "Is somebody trying to kidnap you again? Are they following you?"

"My mom! MY MOM!"

"Someone's trying to kidnap you and your Mom?" Mulder tried again, reduced to a sort of F.B.I. twenty questions as he tried to discover what the problem was. "Who is it?"

"Skinner!" Scully raged

"Skinner's trying to kidnap you and your mom?" Mulder said disbelievingly.

"Then the Dominoes Pizza guy!" Scully babbled incoherently.

"You, your Mom, and Skinner are being kidnapped by Dominoes. I always knew there was something suspicious about them."

That brilliant bit of deduction caught even Scully by surprise, and she stared at her cell phone in helpless disbelief, totally oblivious to the fact that the light in front of her had turned green.

She remained blissfully unaware of it until the guy behind her started to lay on the horn and shouted, "Hey! Move it, ya dumb broad."

Dana Scully had always thought of herself as a relatively calm and cool type...at least until certain words were used. Broad was one of the forbidden terms, (the other one would have gotten Hornblower shot at that particular moment). She tossed the phone onto the passenger seat, careless of Mulder's voice shouting on the other end as she stepped out of the car and straight into Hornblower's path as he started to pull around her.

The red Corvette with the open T-roof skidded to a halt only a few inches short of Agent. Dana. Scully.

Scully never flinched. She drew her badge and circled around the side of the car, her blazer hitched back to show the evil form of the Walther PPk holstered under her armpit. She shoved her badge-wallet into the face of the paunchy, pompadoured man in the driver's seat. "Do you see this?" she demanded.

The shapely blonde in the passenger's seat gleeped, while Hornblower started to bluster.

Scully's head canted to one side as she suddenly recognized him. She'd always known playing CSPAN in the background would pay off some day. She leaned down into his face. "Don't you have some babies to steal candy from, Congressman?" Her eyes flickered over to the blonde. "Begging your pardon. Obviously you decided to steal the whole baby instead."

"Neeewwwwwtttt," the blonde wailed.

"She's...uh...a page...I was just giving her a lift home."

Scully's eyebrows rose. "How very... philanthropic ... of you.." She looked across at the blonde. "In the future, I suggest you take the bus."

"Uh, right," the blonde stammered.

Scully pivoted sharply on one heel and went back to her car. The brief show of strength had burned off some of the adrenaline. Mulder was screaming her name as she calmly picked up the phone. "I'm fine, Mulder."

There was long pause on the other end of the line. "Fine?" Mulder repeated at last.

"Fine, keen, dandy," Dana clipped as she pulled away and calmly ran a red light.

"Look, just find some way to signal me where you are," he said, obviously thinking someone had a gun to her head. "I'll find you if it's the last thing I do. Those Dominoes bastards won't be able to keep me away from you."

"I'm fine, Mulder, really, I'm fine...great…wonderful..." she snarled through gritted teeth.

She could hear pages flipping in the background, and Mulder muttered, "There are only what," he suddenly sounded hopeless, "about forty thousand Dominoes branches in D.C."

"Mulder, I haven't been kidnapped by Dominoes," Scully sighed. "My mom is sleeping with Skinner.

There was a gagging sound on the other end of the line. Probably just her partner strangling on his own tongue.

"Skinner?" Mulder's voice cracked when he finally got their boss's name out..

"He answered the door in a robe," Scully exhaled.

Mulder was still caught on the first part of her announcement. "Skinner?" he repeated.

"She called him Pappa Bear," Dana moaned, never noticing the car that swerved to avoid her as she ran a Yield sign. "They ordered a Couple's Combo...."

"Skinner?" Mulder moaned again.

Scully stared down at the phone, completely oblivious to a Stop sign as she wheeled on past. "Yes, Mulder, Skinner," she snapped impatiently. He was acting like it was his mother she'd caught en flagrante delecto.

"Eewwwwww," Mulder exhaled. Since Scully's disappearance, Mulder had thought of Margaret Scully almost as a mother figure. Now all he could think of was Margaret Scully...in bed...with Skinner. "Eewwwwww," he said again.

Scully saw the yellow light ahead and gunned her engine, making it at least halfway through the intersection before it turned red. "Ditto...I can't believe my Mom...and Skinner...I never even liked to think that my parents had sex. I mean, I know they did have four kids...but...well, I always wanted to think it involved test tubes."

"Yeah, yeah," Mulder agreed. "Test tubes...are you sure they were, I mean…."

Dana skidded to a halt in front of Mulder's apartment building, careless of the fact she was parking in a no-parking zone. She stepped out of her car as she swore into the cell phone. "He was in a robe, Mulder. She called him Pappa Bear and said that Goldilocks thought this bed was just right."

Mulder moaned into the cell phone as she rode up in the elevator. Scully snarled several creative invectives as she entered the hallway that led to his apartment.

He had the cell phone to his ear as he stepped out of the door, holding it wide for her.

"So, what do we do now?" Scully snarled, then abruptly realized she was still speaking into the cell phone and quickly tossed it aside. She stared at Mulder expectantly and he shrugged helplessly.

"I...well, first, you need to calm down..."

*****

Assistant Director, Walter Skinner pulled nervously at his tie as he knocked on Fox Mulder's door. He glanced over at the woman standing next to him and attempted a smile. It came out sickly looking.

"Since she wasn't at her place or Melissa's, she's probably here," Margaret Scully noted a little dryly. Of all of them, she seemed to be the only one handling the situation with any degree of calm.

The door swung open to reveal Fox Mulder standing there in a robe, wet hair falling down over his forehead. He pulled up short as he saw the two people standing in the corridor. "I...uh..." he stammered.

"Fox," Dana called as she appeared, combing tangles out of her wet hair, "Is that the..." she skidded to a stop as she saw the couple standing in the doorway.

Margaret Scully peered at her daughter past Skinner's shoulder, a slight grin fluttering at the corners of her mouth. Skinner looked nauseous.

"Dominoes Pizza," A cheerful voice called out as a teenage kid appeared in the hallway, pizza in hand. "One Couple's Combo."

Mulder blushed bright red.

Scully frowned as she realized it was the same kid she'd nearly trampled on her mother's front lawn.

He recognized them all too, judging by the frown on his face. "All right," he said suspiciously. "I just want to know who's gonna pay for this thing."

Mulder and Skinner's eyes met in a moment of unwanted empathy. "I suspect we all are," Skinner mumbled and shoved another twenty into the kid's hand.

THE END

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